MS-13 offers to take over LAPD

Los Angeles (1 March, 2013): In dramatic developments, a representative for dreaded gang MS13 offered to buy LAPD for 2 Billion dollars and change. The offer was received by LAPD chief ,who was practicing golf in private club along with his concubine.

“I just can’t believe it. We will never sell LAPD to gangsters.Hell, we are better than them”, Said the raging Chief.”We can do everything that MS13 claims to do and we do it legally.”

The reporter managed to snatch a quick preview of offer given by MS-13:

1) LAPD will give up its control of drugs, arms, prostitute smuggling business

2) LAPD will get two billion dollars and a ticket to get out of LA

3) In return,MS13 will allow LAPD officers to join the new department.

“We have extensive experience in operating extraordinarily complex businesses.L.A. is just small operation for us.Our organization works exclusively in 50 countries of world and we bring world class expertise to this city.Our reign will be beginning of new paradigm in history of L.A.” Said official MS-13 spokesman from Bolivia.”We expect to recover our investment in two years flat.We may offer IPO in year 2017 when one of us will be SEC chairman.”

Wars between US states is a certainty

Washington DC,17 January 2013

A prominent think tank have warned US senators that “war between states” is a certainty and next 10 years will be crucial.

“The hostilities between politicians from different states have escalated.Many states don’t see an eye to eye on policy issues.”said Conrad Wilson jr,billionaire CEO of think tank Preventing Wars .”The massive build up of military weapons in Texas and California will prove to be detrimental to national unity.Obama’s gun ban have forced opposing states to purchase more weapons.It will be like Kosovo-Serbia in few years.”

“At ground level,people from opposing  states have really hostile interactions.A Washington DC guy is despised in every part of country while New Yorkers often feel isolated in other states.The sentiments are tense and southern states feel betrayed from northern states.” Said Conrad,”The number of voluntary paramilitary groups have gone up by 1000 % and many deserted areas have been converted to training fields for state military.This is worrisome situation.”

Texas to modernize its military

Austin,Texas(23 November,2012)

Texas has launched an ambitious plan to modernize its under-equipped military and build a defense industry in a move that analysts said could alter the regional strategic balance.

After years of being underfunded, the Texas Defense Ministry has embarked on a shopping spree for military hardware and joint ventures with foreign defense companies for local production of weaponry, said ministry spokesman Brigadier General (NAME WITHHELD).

“We have now the money to buy more equipment,” Brigadier said. “Our defense capabilities are really not up to the task and are way behind other countries.”

The Texan military was all-powerful and it fought well under banner of confederacy but sadly it lost due to inferior weapons in civil war.

The shopping list includes: 500 Sukhoi Su-35,BM,Su 27 multirole fighter jets,500 Eurofighter Typhoon jets,5000 Leopard 2 main battle tanks,250 million rounds of ammunition,aircraft carriers from France.The proposed weapons might cost upwards of 2 trillion dollars.

French President Hollande to exile himself to Monaco

Paris ,18 october 2012

France’s Socialist President Francois Hollande have decided to leave France and go in exile to Monaco. Confidential sources from Élysée Palace have confirmed that Hollande left France to save his personal wealth from draconian taxes he imposed on rich elites of France. It has to be reminded that Mr Hollande,an elite communist, is privately wealthy.

As Hollande said there would be no exceptions in 75 %  marginal tax rate,rich people have started migrating in droves to Belgium and U.K.The millionaire tax crisis have heightened climate of suspicion between France and Britain.With war clouds hovering over Europe over “millionaire crisis”,French president have taken safest approach and exiled himself to tax free Monaco alongwith his Euros,wife and 5 female lovers.

“I am in a battle and will not look back,” he said. “I am trying to save my wealth and France at same time and I am accelerating,” he said.” I will not leave my elected office. I will guide our great nation of France from Monaco. For the time being, Monaco will become temporary French administration centre.”

French historians drew parallel with Charles De Gaulle ,who headed French government in exile after Nazis controlled France.

“Yes,Hollande is definitely on correct path. To save his nation and his wealth, he had to go for self imposed exile. His actions definitely run  parallel to Great Gaulle.Hollande is our new Charles De Gaulle…”Said a distinguished French Historian.

Hollande – who has famously said he does not “like the rich” – said $10 bn would come from additional taxes on households “especially the well-heeled”, 10 billion more from businesses and 10 billion from savings in government spending. It would be the biggest hike in three decades. But at the time of announcement of new taxes, Hollande forgot he himself was stinking rich and would not be spared. His actions have roused shrill laughter from National Front.

Surging ratings

Having won a May election with 51.6 per cent of the vote, Hollande’s ratings have slid below 50 per cent in less than half the time it took Sarkozy to fall from favour.But after his self exile to Monaco,President Hollande’s ratings increased beyond 75 %.

Mexican border guards catch 579 Americans sneaking into Mexico!

El Alberto, Mexico — Mexican Border guards have arrested 579 American citizens crossing illegally into Mexico. The trend of Hispanic immigration to US from Mexico has completely reversed and now it’s illegal immigration of American citizens into Mexico. Most of the immigrants are lured by prospects of living beyond shadow of increasingly authoritarian US government and  a debt free healthy lifestyle.

This is increasingly the situation of illegal immigration today. Migrant shelters along the Mexican border are filled with newcomers looking for a better life, but also with seasoned criminals: senators, congressmen, lobbyists, lawyers, judges, CEOs,managers and journalists, often previously rich Americans, braving ever-greater risks to leave authoritarian US government — the country they consider incarnation of both Nazi Germany and Communist USSR.

           Take case of Karl from New York. In his previous life in USA, he was working for Hedge fund MF Global, selling spurious derivatives to daffy customers. He crossed illegally into Mexico last year to work in maize farm because his company MF global went bust.

“I am an American citizen and I have to go back to my foreclosed house, my beloved Mercedes  — I have to get back to them, I want to pay back my taxes, my student loans, my alimony and serve my jail sentence” Karl  kept yelling , from the moment he was arrested in El Alberto, Mexico for working below minimum wage on a Maize farm.

               Nothing would deter him from crossing the border again. He had left his hometown New York last year, he said. One year later, he spoke nearly fluent Spanish and earned 10 pesos per day as laborer.This trend presents an enormous challenge to Mexican policy makers, because country can not accommodate all illegal American immigrants. It is not just that the Mexican economy is booming but the crime has shot up.

“Most of the American illegal immigrants know very little about real work. They think Mexican government will provide them with food stamps, welfare, and free healthcare. Very few of them have worked previously. We have one million lawyers working as sanitary workers. They seem to like this work..” Said Juan.  

               And yet, while these factors — and no opportunities at home — have increased illegal immigration from USA to Mexico to  its highest level in centuries.

Indeed, 85 percent of 579 americans apprehended at the Mexican border  involved people who were rich previously.For the Mexico government, these illegal immigrants have become a high priority.Orders have been issued to kill any illegal immigrant crossing into Mexico from USA..

USA declares war on California!!!

Washington DC

10 October

USA have declared war on California on the account of human rights violations and harboring weapons of mass destruction.The move was prompted after gas prices rose sharply to $5 in many cities in California,leading to exodus of millions of Californians from the beleaguered state.

“The refugees coming out from California are dirty and smelly.They want free food,free healthcare,Welfare benefits.They are lazy freeloaders and feel entitled to get everything for free.They will destroy spirit of the nation.Our founding fathers wanted country to be free of  freeloaders .Most of them are radical communists.They want to destabilize our god fearing christian nation.We have to destroy California to save USA” Said a Pentagon Official on the condition of anonymity.

“We can’t allow California to acquire nuclear weapons and harbor communists.It is bigger danger to Israel than Iran” Said prime minister Netanyahu,speaking from Tel Aviv.

“California is violating all international human right norms by allowing to increase gas prices beyond $5 and sending refugees to USA.They are also capable of getting nuclear and chemical weapons.They are threat to world and  must be neutralized.” Said Secretary of war,Hillary Clinton.

A Texas senator has proposed building fence around state “to keep vermin out” of USA.

The state,which produces world’s leading communists have been thorn in eyes of USA from long time.The current gas crisis helped widen the rift.The rising gas prices have increased debt to 5 trillion dollars.

California ,which used to be world’s 9 th largest economy have fallen behind North Korea.Thee current gas crisis have emptied its coffers and many cities have stopped functioning.

Meanwhile US army have started concentrating its forces at USA- California border and an attack is eminent.

“We will promote democracy in USA” Putin

Kremlin,Moscow

Sunday,7 October

   Russian President Putin vowed to bring democracy to USA in coming years.

   “Russia is committed to bring democracy to USA and whole world,” Putin said in an interview on the Central Television program broadcast on the NTV television network on Sunday.

    “I think USA is controlled by bankers,corporate honchos,lobbyists,think tanks and defense contractors.US media is corrupt and bigoted.The American two party system is just a sham.Seems like USA don’t have finer democratic traditions and freedoms like Russia.These people live in middle age and need to be taught.We will teach Americans how to run a democratic country in modern world. We might try to carry our red revolution in USA.” Putin said.

    Upon being asked whether he wants to send any of the powerful American elites to labor camps just like he did with Mikhail Khodorkovsky.

    “Off course,we have been searching for a suitable location to set up labor camps.So far we have fixed few location in Alaska and Nevada.We Russians are known to punish blood sucking businessmen and we will do that in USA too.The wealth looted by corrupt elites needs to be shared by proletariat not only by elites.”

     Upon being asked which elites he wasnt to be jailed specifically,Putin said,” Madonna,Justin Bieber,Lady Gaga and everybody who earns above $ 25,000 per year.”

     The president was very sad upon falling behind USA in jailing its residents.

   “The recent rise in killing of American civilians by American law enforcement is a disturbing trend and needs to be curbed. It reminds me of USSR under Beria and Stalin.The only difference is no visible dictator or political doctrine  is apparent in USA..We can provide that and establish worker’s paradise.”

  “For a very long time,Russia maintained maximum number of prisoners in its prisons and now USA have overtaken us.I won’t allow it to continue.We were number one and we will be…”Said Putin while breaking table into two with his judo kick.